<The Pathology Blues!>

The Pathology Blues!
By the Class of '98 (mostly)

Use the verses and choruses randomly.

I've got the blues,
The pathology blues,
Path has me blue,
You ain't got no clue
Of the suffering I've been through!

She told me that she loved me,
She said her love was true,
But what's the use of loving
When "Path" has got you blue?

If I was in the army,
And I was trained to kill,
I'd study my pathology,
'Cause violence makes me ill.

Sick tissue is the issue
When you take "Pathology",
And when you do, I wish you
Can sing the blues with me.

That guy with Prader Willi
Is giving me the blues,
He ate my jelly donut,
He gobbled up my shoes,

When I was just a baby,
I chose "Primary Care",
Now that I know "Pathology"
I've made it halfway there.

I've got my turn in lab today,
Ain't looked yet at my case,
Ed's gonna see right through me,
And call me a disgrace.

I got the diagnosis,
I finally got one right,
That's because I study path
Till ten o'clock at night,

I came to every path lab,
I did it all year long,
I cannot count the number
Of cases I got wrong.

I'm studying pathology,
It's really got me down,
Ed says I've got a great chance
To become a rodeo clown.

If I was a bad man,
And doing hard time,
I'd learn pathology 'cause
That ain't no crime.

If I was a policeman,
And I had caught a crook,
I'd pick up my "Big Robbins"
And holler, "Throw the book!"

If I was Joe Montana,
The famous quarterback,
I'd study my pathology
So Ed don't give me flack!

If I was from Missouri,
The famous "Show Me!" state,
I'd show you what pathologists
Are able to demonstrate!

If I was a Kansas farmer,
And I was growing wheat,
I'd get the "Gross Path Atlas",
And read it while I eat.

If I was a Blue Helmet,
And worked to make wars cease,
I'd study my pathology
To build a healthy peace.

If I was Special Forces,
And wore the Green Beret,
I'd do the "Slice of Life" at night,
And "Quizbank" every day!

If I was playing football,
And it was fourth-and-two,
I'd say there ain't no helping it,
If "Path" has got you blue.

If I was an artist
At the Nelson gallery,
I'd give up making shuttlecocks
And learn pathology!

If I was a mechanic
I's say it would be fair
To say your body's a machine
Designed for self-repair!

If I could work construction
I'd say the work is rough,
And since I know pathology
They'll call me "super-tough".

If I was a scholar,
At a university,
I'd give my bottom dollar
To learn pathology.

If I was a hockey player,
Out skating on the ice,
Before I took the "Path" test,
I'd go through quizbank twice.

If I played for the Royals,
When "Path" starts in the fall,
I'd grab a seat in "Path" lab,
And holler "Let's play ball!"

If I was a brother
In Ed's fraternity,
I'd take advantage of the chance
To learn pathology!

If I was a pathologist,
I'd spill stuff in my shoes,
I'd know there ain't no cure
For the pathology blues!

When I become a doctor,
And do primary care,
I'll know it was pathology
That helped to get me there.

If I was the Archbishop,
Of fair Canterbury,
I'd say that learning "Path"'s
The way to help humanity!

If I was a boxer,
And I really liked to fight,
I'd punch away at "Path" all day
Until I got it right!

From the halls of Montezuma,
To the shores of Tripoli,
You'll be a better doctor
If you learn pathology.

If I was in the Navy,
Out sailing on the sea,
I'd bring along "Big Robbins"
And learn pathology!

If I was in the Air Force,
And flew a fighter plane,
I'd bring along "Big Robbins"
To exercise my brain!

If I was Andrew Taylor Still,
That wise and noble soul,
I'd tell them how pathology
Treats the body as a whole!

If I was a cowboy,
I'd get up on my horse,
And ride to Kansas City,
And take the big "Path" course!

If I was a "Sixties" hippie,
Brains wrecked by LSD,
I'd get my mind expanded
When I took pathology!

Witch-doctors in the jungle,
Know half the mystery;
They become complete physicians
When they take pathology.

If I was a German,
I'd drink my lager beer,
And say that Virchow did for there
What A.T. did for here!

If I was Captain Ahab,
And hunting Moby Dick,
I'd study my pathology,
To find out why I'm sick.

If I could play piano,
And I was free to choose,
I'd sing "There ain't no cure
For the pathology blues!"

If I was an internist,
I'd learn pathology,
And all the other doctors
Would call me "Super Flea"!

If I was an psychiatrist,
And "Path" had got me blue,
I'd know that learning actively
Is how I'd make it through!

We started Path in August,
We thought it would be fluff,
But now we know pathology
Which means we know our stuff!

I looked at lots of white cells,
I looked at lots of red,
I saw so many blood cells,
It almost burst my head.

I did so darned much quizbank,
I could hardly even think,
But now that "Path" is done with,
I'm gonna get a drink!

I should have learned pathology,
I wouldn't have got sued,
Now I'm working as a deiner,
Cutting up some poor dead dude.

Alpha fetoprotein this,
And cryoglobulin that,
And just remember Paget's
Make you need a bigger hat.

Done a thousand quizbank,
Got a thousand more to go,
I'm feelin' kinda tired,
My poor mind is working slow.

I'm turning awfully blue,
I dropped my PO2,
Hypoxic vascular response,
Cor pulmonale too...

I bit into a burger,
They told me to beware,
Mad cow disease is prions
And I ate my burger rare.

Anti-native-DNA,
Anti-Smith and -Ro
If I had dermatomyositis,
I'd check my anti-Jo.

It's the middle of second year,
I'm nursing on a beer,
I've gotta pass pathology
Just to get out of here.

When my scabies mites all left me,
I was feeling down and blue,
But every day I study "Path"
I think I've got something new.

I'm oh, so sick and lonely,
I don't know what to do,
My brain is liquefying,
From the Pathology Blues.

When I need the diagnosis,
There isn't any doubt,
I'm gonna go below the skin
And pull a sample out.

We studied our pathology,
We studied hard and long,
And when we see a sick one,
We can figure out what's wrong.

If I was a ballerina,
And I wore a white tutu,
I'd say it doesn't mean a
Month of "Path" won't make you blue!

Oh, help me Dr. Brito,
Help me read my nice X-ray,
I feel so darned helpless,
And I present today.

I grabbed up my "Big Robbins",
I threw it on the floor,
Another night of studying "Path",
I can't take it any more.

If I was a cowboy,
Out on a cattle drive,
I'd bring along my path notes
To keep my brain alive!

I used to be a janitor,
I wish that I was back,
Just mopping floors and cleaning up,
Not hearing all Ed's flack.

Why do I need pathology?
I think it's just a fad,
All I need to know is "Pink is
Good and blue is bad."

We were all doing quizbank,
Over in Alumni Hall,
We did five thousand questions,
You know we had a ball,

They tell me life's a game,
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose,
Read "Big Robbins" before the boards,
Avoid the "Pathology Blues".

If I was a monster,
And I had basic smarts,
I'd tell you what pathologists
Can do with body parts!

Lupus, Sjogren's, Hirschsprung's,
And Kluver-Bucy's too,
I'm so lost in pathology,
I don't know what to do.

I wish I had a dollar,
For every slide I've seen,
I'd be a multimillionaire,
Out on a putting green,

My best friend is Italian,
He drinks red wine with me,
Now I've been diagnosed with
Marchiafava-Bignami!

We learn about pathology,
With life and death for all to see,
We must meet the reality
And face our own mortality;

Our lives are filled with joy and strife,
And what is death but part of life?
Will come a day when we must die,
And leave behind those learning why.

Blue top, green top, gray top, red,
Which tube was it that Ed said?
When checking glucose, CBC, and stuff,
This pathology, you can't get enough.

I looked down at my blood smear,
To see what was wrong with me,
No platelets, lots of schistocytes,
I must have D.I.C.

I got up in the morning,
I went down to my school,
I love both "Pharm" and "Micro",
And "Path" is also cool.

No matter how hard I study,
No matter how hard I try,
I can't get any mercy
From Ed the Pathology Guy.

I got up in the morning,
To go to "Path" at eight,
I preview "Path" the night before
And never come in late.

I hate to do the quizbank,
I think it's just obscene,
I just did sixty pushups
'Cause Ed thinks he's a marine.

I hate to do the quizbank,
And yesterday I heard,
It drops your score to zero
If you type a naughty word.

I didn't come to "Path" class,
I stayed at home to sleep,
Next day I learned my classmates
Had dipped me with the sheep.

I look at blood and tissue,
I look at pus and guts,
I'll be a darned good doctor
If "Path" don't drive me nuts.

When I was one-and-twenty,
I heard a wise man say,
Give nickels, dimes, and quarters,
But not your heart away;

Give pearls away, and rubies,
But keep your fancy free;
But whaddaya do when you're down & blue
'Cause you hate pathology?

If I was a gym guy,
And I liked working out,
I'd tell you that pathology
Is what it's all about!!

Multinucleated giant cell,
Sarcoid granuloma,
This is how I know for sure
I'm earning my diploma.

They tell me life is rough,
There's never time enough,
And if learn pathology
You'll know you're good and tough.

If I was a liberal,
I'd say it was my right
To do the "Slice of Life" all day
And "Quizbank" every night!

If I was a conservative,
I'd say, "Jack booted thugs
Are teaching my 'Pathology'
Along with 'Bugs' and Drugs!'"

I got a hot little sweetheart,
Lives right down with me,
I know I'm irresistible
'Cause I know pathology!

My prof's got holes in his socks,
My prof he don't wear no shoes,
But soon we'll teach the other docs,
I've got the Pathology Blues!

If I was a lumberjack,
And strong from chopping trees,
I wouldn't have to break my back
To learn about disease!

I woke up in the morning'
I got right out of bed,
I was feeling way down low,
I got to listen to Ed.'

A man that someone slew,
He's face down in a stew,
The path man knows just what to do,
He'll find the answer clue.

I'm blue all through and through
I've got a new tattoo,
And now my fixed skin macrophages
Have got some stuff to chew!

Kodachromes make me dizzy,
Quizbank hurts my brain,
Pathology's a killer,
It's driving me insane.

I did a thousand quizbanks,
I have no points to lose,
But I could not fill in those blanks,
I've got the pathology blues!

If I was a jack-booted thug,
I'd take pathology,
So I could learn what booze and smokes
And guns can do to me!

I read the book all day,
I never can get through,
The day is over but you still got
Quizbank to do!

When I was a young kid,
I learned Pathology,
And now that I've done learned it,
"Big Robbins" is clear to me.

As we moved from slides to theory,
I came to realize,
The pathology's a subject
You just can't summarize.';

If I sailed the seas for treasure,
And was a wicked pirate,
I'd tell you "Path"'s a pleasure
And all med schools should require it!

When I was just a baby,
Mom told me "Path's a ball,
But if you're slow in 'Path Lab',
Ed's gonna make you feel real small."

Ed tells us to be strong,
Ed tells us to be tough,
Someday we'll go on rotations
And teach K.U. their stuff!

I've got a little sweetheart,
She tells me I'm the best,
But tonight I had to stay at home
And study "The Right Test"!

When you've turned all dark and crusty
Deep in your underarm,
It's acanthosis nigricans,
It's cause for alarm.

When I was just a baby,
My mom sent me to school,
She told me "Learn pathology",
And now I'm truly cool.

Gotta walk the plank,
I flunked my Tzanck,

Path is so cool
A doctor's tool,

Can't see, can't pee,
Can't bend my knee,

Some day I'll stop
And drink cold pop,

Make your mind stronger,
Help patients live longer,

Running out of time,
Angiotensin converting enzyme,

I've got the pathology blues,
Don't have time to watch the news,

Path has me blue,
You ain't got a clue
Of the suffering I been through!

Don't know why I'm here,
Need a blood smear,

Gotta go study,
Ed's my buddy,

Wipe off that frown,
Or be a rodeo clown,

I quizbank-surf,
"Rodeo" say ERF,

Got CHF,
Can't wear my shoes,

Ain't got a Ferrari,
Ain't got Arnold-Chiari
Just got the Pathology Blues!

Can't take a bath,
Got too much "Path",

When I see a slide,
Wanna run and hide,

Move up real close,
And diagnose,

Pheochromocytoma,
Mycoplasma pneumonia,

Path for a year,
Want to get it clear,

Cut a mass in two,
Got it on my shoe,
Path has got me blue.

From the gout in my toes,
To polyps in my nose,
I've got the pathology lows.

Gave up food, sleep and TV,
To study pathology,

Down and out,
Can't even understand gout,

Learning a lot,
Won't drink paraquat,

II, VII, IX and X,
Not fibronigen,

I love you,
You love me
But I hate pathology!

More Pathology, More Humor

AOL Doctor Jokes
Dr. John Capps's Medical Cartoons
Idiot's Medical Glossary
Favorite Doctor Jokes
Ed's Pathology Lecture Notes
Bryan's home page
Ed's home page

Animated version of "The Pathology Blues"
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